Journal

I was put on anti-depressants shortly after Shannon was born. I had a very difficult time with post partum depression with Conner and my doctor saw signs and didn't want me to wait as long to be put on them after Shannon. I hate being on anti depressants. I feel so weak. Why can't I be strong enough on my own? It is ridiculous why can't I fight it? I don't have insurance and so I had to switch my anti depressants to a different kind a couple of months ago. My new meds made me so sick. I felt like I was stuck in my first trimester of pregnancy. I would wake up soaking wet every morning from sweating, and I was nauseous all day. It has been almost a week since I have taken a pill. I could not go on feeling so sick everyday. Now I am a mess. This last week my emotions have been the biggest roller coaster. Why can't I just suck it up and act how I know I am suppose to act. Today has been the worst day. I have stayed in bed for a lot of today. I seriously felt like I was so weak I couldn't even lift my arms or even talk. Steve would come in and ask me a question and I would just stare at him. So what do I do? This is a rhetorical question I don't think I could handle people's opinions. Do I take my pills and be so sick every day? Do I continue to pray for help from Heavenly Father to get through this? Shannon has been crying SO much lately. I think she is teething. I can't take it any more. Conner was 4 1/2 months old when he got his first tooth and Shannon just turned four months earlier this week. I should be able to take it, I listened to Shannon cry for a couple of months because of her birthmark and it didn't phase me. She even starts to cry now and I can't take it. All I can do right now is cry. I am sure there are people reading this and thinking I am being too open or judging me but I don't want to hear from you, just let me share my trial. I feel so alone and unloved. I just wanted to write this down and I am sure I should just keep it to myself but at this moment I don't care.